Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

- "Will I?"

"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

You know, I haven't had the greatest life in the world. It seems every time I think I'm picking up the pieces of my shattered existence, something comes along to shatter the fragile remains into smaller pieces.

I'm melancholy today. Looking around, I'm not quite sure why, unless it's the rapid approach of the holidays. My Thanksgiving was quiet. I suppose that can be good and bad. I had no one to spend the day with, really, which was kind of depressing, but I didn't have to deal with my family, which was a weight off my chest. I swear I do have the most dysfunctional family.

My Christmas will likely be as quiet. I have a feeling the roomie will go somewhere again like he did for Thanksgiving. Being alone on the holidays just seems to make the depressing aspect of being alone that much more depressing.

I'll have no one to hug on Christmas morning. No set of bright, shining eyes looking under the tree surprised. No one to snuggle with. No joy as I watch a special loved one opening a particularly wanted gift that I managed to come up with against odds.

At least last Christmas I had that. It was quiet, just the two of us, but darn it, I HAD it. The tree was small, dinky even. The apartment small and dinky. But the two of us were together, and . . . and . . .

Oh hell. You know, 1300 miles was a distance, but overseas seems even farther.

I suppose it's at this time of year that I realize . . . how alone I am. How . . . LONELY I am. *Sighs softly* I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but it just isn't quite there inside of me. And being sick isn't helping matters.

"Will someone care?"

There's rumors going around that Gary and Beth are leaving the tour in the next few months. Since Meg, Mo and I didn't get to Lauderdale to see him . . . this puts another damper on my mood. I feel *really* bad about the whole Lauderdale thing. Seriously. *Sighs softly*. There were things that were supposed to happen that couldn't, thanks to that blasted hurricane. I can't go into detail, but . . . it wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. I'm still upset over it, really. *Shrugs* Even though I know I can't change it. At the time, the only thing that soothed my thoughts was Jacksonville in May-June. Phantom coming back to Florida – possibly for the last time for a few years (I could be wrong about that though. I was wrong in my other estimations of it coming back.) I thought surely . . . Gary and Beth . . . may still be there. Now from what I'm hearing – they may not be. Don't get me wrong . . . if they get the Vegas spots, I'll be VERY happy for them. But I'll be upset – selfishly – for myself.

I guess it's just one of those nights. I look outside my new-ish place . . . the shine is wearing off. I want nothing more now than to be able to move to the other coast, in hopes that being near Meg and Mo will make me feel less alone. Will help me quell that flight instinct that is seriously kicking up inside of me right now.

There are times I hate my life. I think now is one of those times.

Anyway, I made this banner for the TMO site - trying to convince Gary to "Stay" till Jacksonville. Who knows *Shrugs*

If you wanna use it on your site, just credit "ImInsideTheMusic"

Will I?

(From "Rent")

Will I lose my dignity?

Will someone care?

Will I wake tomorrow

From this nightmare?

(repeat in canon several times)

Currently Listening Closer By Josh Groban see related

- Remember When It Rained

I'm in one of those odd moods again. Has it gone to be noticed I only seem to write here when I'm in an odd, melancholy mood?

The funny thing is, if all had gone well this past week, I'd still be flying on cloud nine, but things have a funny way of working out sometimes. The good part was I got to spend nearly a week with Meg and Mo, and I got a vacation out of it to boot. Well, sort of. We were supposed to go see Phantom in Lauderdale, for Meggie's birthday. But the show was cancelled due to a hurricane, and we got stranded.

I guess I should be thankful. We're all okay (Though Meg's grandmother's house has definitely seen better days) we're all safe. We got to spend more time together than we were supposed to. And miraculously, I didn't get fired. So why am I melancholy?

Maybe it's because I'm alone once again. Okay, yeah, well, I have a room-mate. But *Shrugs*. I don't know. I feel so alone.

I can't shake the feeling that something is about to throw me for a loop, and soon. That something is coming to shake up my very existence. I can't shake the feeling that there is a life-altering decision that has to be made in the very near future.

I hate having to make life-altering decisions. Especially when I don't know the rules to whatever game it is that is being played with my life.

Well. Okay. So last time I was here, things have changed a bit. I've moved, and now I have a room-mate. We'll call him "J". "J" is nice enough . . . not bad looking either (but you'll never hear me say that out loud!). The place is beautiful. The people . . . not so much so. *Pauses, purses lips* It's like living in a communist country sometimes, living in this building. I'll leave it at that.

The flight instinct is so heavy right now. When I was with Mo and Meg, it had abated. I was just fine where I was, even with the inconveniences of dealing with post-hurricane trauma. We laughed a lot. We talked a lot. We even cried. Over this past weekend, I let out some things that had been bothering me, and my wounds were rubbed with a gentle salve. The past few years have been hard on me. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. *Sighs softly* Meg and Mo have . . . well . . . "Been there" through a bunch of it. They know. And they still accept me for who I am.

It's past my bedtime, and I didn't quite get out all I want to. :-/.

"Remember When It Rained"

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.

Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down . . .

Currently Listening Broken By Seether, Amy Lee see related

There are days when you just want to bury your head in the sand and forget everything. Days where you just want to fly away from your life and begin again.

Today has been one of those days.

*Shakes head sadly* You know, the vast majority of the time, I don't mind my job too much. Okay, so I know it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, and the money isn't the greatest in the world, and it in reality barely feeds me. But I get along really well with one of my bosses, and with the other two employees.

The other boss . . . it's not that we "fight" it's that we . . . well, in my opinion, we don't talk. Half the time it seems no matter what I do I'm wrong. We'll call that boss "W".

Today, "C" (the other boss) was off. Actually, I was supposed to be off as well, but "K" (one of the other employees) had to take a last minute trip, so the hours were available. Being pretty much broke, I took them. So I was to work all day with W.

Now, "W" has not been feeling very well lately (I knew that) and she's been . . . crabby at least with me. Today just seemed to be a comedy of errors (pardon the pun). No matter what I did, I was wrong. No matter how I tried to help out, I was wrong. If I asked the question, I was stupid for asking, if I didn't ask the question, I was stupid for NOT asking. *Throws hands up in the air* So, I asked this one question of her about stuff that she'd set on the ledge by the sink – making sure she wanted them all washed at that point (45 minutes before closing) and making sure she didn't need any of them. Well, she went all sarcastic – "No, I just put them there so they didn't get washed." The thing is, any time I assume she wants something done, I'm wrong, so I asked instead of assuming . . . but obviously, I was wrong for THAT too.  And if I try to defend my thinking . . . I'm even more wrong.

I couldn't take it. Every human has a breaking point, and I'd reached mine today. I've not been feeling so great the past few weeks either. I'm scheduled to have two teeth pulled in a few days – they were seriously infected and I spent two weeks on antibiotics already. I'm STILL running a low to mid grade fever daily. I miss Meg and Mo (they were visiting for a week, and they just left this past Thursday). All this, then having to deal with "W" today . . . finally I cracked. I broke down and started crying while I was starting to wash those dishes.

The thing of it is, it really is a problem with inconsistency. Okay, I don't claim to be the most consistent person in the world – I know I contradict myself from time to time. But it seems, today, one minute I'm being told "If you don't know, ask" and the next I'm being told, "I can't handle the constant, stupid questions, having to tell you every little thing." And all I really wanted to say – and couldn't – was that "If you didn't change your answers so often, maybe I WOULD NOT ask so many 'stupid' questions!" But . . . I couldn't bring myself to ask. I did try to defend my thinking, but still . . . not to that extent. I did however, say something along the lines of (through tears no less) that I felt as though I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Not in quite SO many words though.

Do I take things too much to heart? Certainly. I probably shouldn't have started crying like that. I know well enough that "W" thinks it's stupid – kinda been there done that more or less. But I couldn't help it. Between everything that I don't say – you know, I'm not feeling so great myself, and even though I slept last night, I didn't want to get up this morning. I felt like . . . hell warmed over. I don't tell either "W" or "C" that. Okay, so "C" did know about the tooth – the way my jaw had been swollen, there was no way of hiding it. Most of the time, if I can, I hide it when I'm not feeling well. That's just my way. If I called out every time I felt like crap, I'd never work. I don't talk about being anemic, I don't talk about being tired. I think I may have mentioned my tooth, but that was only because, well hell, at first it was just a bloody toothache. By the time I got to dentist, you could see it looked like I'd had two golf balls in my mouth. There was one day where "C" looked at me as she was on her way in and out – on a day when "K" was in charge – and said to me, "Do you need to go home?" When "C" says something like that, I knew it had to look as bad as it felt, and what did I say to her? I said, "No . . . but it hurts to talk, I might be quiet, but I can still do other stuff." "K" had asked the same thing when I had first gotten in that morning. This all happened when "W" was on vacation, so she didn't see my jaw looking like that, by the time she came back, the swelling had gone down considerably, though not entirely, so I don't think she realized how bad it was, or if she did, if "C" told her ("W" and "C" are sisters), "W" never said a word to me about it.

Not that that should have shocked me. "W" barely speaks to me at all any more, unless I've done something wrong, or to give the occasional direction, or to answer what is probably the latest stupid question I ask.

So today, as I started crying, "W" comes back into the back room and says, "Now come on, stop." Etc, etc, to where I told her I felt like with her I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't – not in so many words. Finally she says, "Go home. It'll be better on both of us. I don't feel well and I'm probably crabby – no, I know I'm crabby, and you're upset, and it's not doing either one of us any good."

Funny thing is, and I know I'm REALLY stupid for this . . . as I started crying, I thought to myself, "Oh hell, just send me home I don't know if I can take this." But when "W" did just that, I did my usual, "I'm okay" type deal. She wound up sending me home anyway, I finally gave in like I always do with her. Quite frankly, I probably said what I did because I *know* I need the money – getting the teeth out is going to take a big chunk out of my wallet. My paycheck isn't going to cover it, and . . . isn't going to cover rent. I know I'm not making enough, but I want to get this tooth thing taken care of before doing what I did around this time last year – going out looking for a second job.

*Shakes head* I do enjoy working with "C" and with "K" . . . okay, sometimes "C" can be a bit hard to work with, but . . . IDK, she's mellowed a LOT this past year, and it seems as though "C" and "W" have switched personalities. But at least "C" doesn't constantly harangue me the way "W" does any more. Now, with "C" it might take an hour or two for us to both warm up to each other, but by two hours in the shift, at least we're talking and usually having fun, if we haven't been from moment one.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I know "W" will go home and likely tell "C" some of what happened . . . "C" will ask me about it tomorrow. I know I'll downplay half of it like I always do. Maybe. Maybe I should just come out and tell "C" how I really do feel. It's . . . touchy ground though. They are sisters, after all. I remember "C" once saying that when they were kids, them and their other sister and two brothers used to say, "if you mess with one of us, you'll have the whole hopping family on you" . . . in other words, they're the kind that stick together. But "C" does know that . . . well, she knows that "W" is the way she is, if that makes sense?

IDK. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill. But I was too upset not to talk about it to someone, and since no one seems to be online at the moment . . .

Okay, so time to play catch-up about things other than today. I mentioned going to Jensen Beach – and it was a blast. I only got to stay for 3 days, but still . . . Meg, Mo, Amanda and I had a ton of fun. I didn't want to ever leave.

This past week, Meg and Mo came out here to visit me. Originally it was supposed to be a few days, but they stayed a whole week. I told them I'd have kept them if they wanted to stay God knows I miss the heck out of them right now.

I realize how depressing my life has become. I live alone. I have no friends who are within a few miles – distance wise, Meg and Mo are probably closest and they're still a four hour drive or so away! I have no family down here with me. I have a job, and a crappy apartment, and that's about it.

I know I start to depend on other people too much. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. The week Meg and Mo were here, I didn't have that flight instinct I normally have. For that week, I was actually . . . happy. I was bloody well happy. Okay, not constantly, but, overall. No matter how otherwise happy I am, I'm still gonna have my moments, that's a given. But seriously, all three of us were. We laughed, we talked, we sat around and read, and wrote, and . . . we were. And it was bloody fun! I cried after they left – came home from work, crawled up on the floor where the air mattress they'd slept on had been, and . . . cried. I couldn't help it.

I know I'm over emotional. Maybe that comes from denying my emotions for so long, they were so locked up that now, I can't help it. Okay, I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but some things, like today, when everything is piled up, I can't stop, no matter how embarrassed, no matter how much I don't want to.

We've discussed me moving out into the Jensen Beach area. The idea is very attractive, but it's going to take time. I'm not even holding my head above water here right now, let alone able to save up money. I'm debating the getting a second job thing.

Funny thing is, the job I have now was supposed to, in my mind at least, be temporary. I was gonna keep it till I had enough to move. Then I was going to move up north. Now . . . now things are changed, and I know that given certain situations I'd be thrusting myself back into, I don't believe I could be "whole" up there. Not that I'm "whole" now, but . . . it's as though I'd be more empty up there, does that make sense to you?

Because it doesn't quite make sense to me.

Broken

Seether (With Amy Lee of Evanescence)

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I'm open

And I don’t feel like i am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And i don't feel rite when your gone away

You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore.

Currently Playing Fallen By Evanescence see related

- Understanding

How can some people just shrug off their mistakes so casually, and live their lives as if nothing else matters?

I have two 'acquaintances' (I'll call them Woman One and Woman Two) . . . neither is really close enough to consider a close friend, but one of them I've had some interestingly intellectual conversations with. They have both had a similar, life altering experience . . . and they reacted in such totally different fashions that it astounds me to watch.

Both of these women lost their children to the "system" as it were.

With Woman One, the woman was sort of homeless. She'd had a place to go, but the powers-that-be decided that she could not stay there with her child . . . IE, if she returned, her child would be taken away. So she started out at a shelter, but the shelter system down here really had her over a loop. Each one she went to would only keep her and her son for a few days. Soon her options were nearly exhausted, and she was staying with 'friends' for a short time . . . it was supposed to be three days before one of her family could come and rescue the two of them. Then one day before her situation was to turn around, some idiot made a false report on her . . . and her son was taken away. Several years later, she still has not succeeded in getting custody of her son back, for various reasons. Now, I've known her off and on for quite a while . . . I KNOW she was the best mother she could be, and I know she loved her kid, and did everything she could given the circumstances to keep him safe, but she made some not so great choices (not necessarily bad choice . . . but not good ones either.)

With Woman Two, the woman first got into a fight with her boyfriend at the time, shoved him out of her life even though he'd been helping support her. Then she lived with her mother for a while, until the two of them got into a physical altercation. She left her mother's the day before her mother was to return from jail. She could have left her daughter with her grandparents . . . but instead, GAVE HER DAUGHTER AWAY to a homeless couple who was heavily into drugs. This story actually made several local papers at the time. Anyway, people who knew the couple made calls to the authorities, and the baby was taken from the couple. For a while, the woman's grandparents raised the little girl, before the father finally stepped up to the plate and gained full custody. The mother of this little girl has little to no contact with her child at this time.

Woman One, the one I've actually had intellectual type discussions with, asked me, "How is it that two people who have faced such a similar experience . . . can have such diverse reactions? Not a DAY goes by that I do not think about my son, and not a day goes by that I don't regret every bad decision I ever made that made me lose him. At night I lie in bed and I can't stop thinking . . . what if I'd done this differently. How would my life be different now, would I still have my little boy?" This woman doesn't often talk about her situation . . . I only know because she's the kind of person who's floated in and out of my life over the years, the sometimes friend if you will. I was one of the ones she called the day her little boy was taken away, so I can vouch that the tears she cried were real. She had called me because I knew a little bit about the foster care system in our state, having gone through the ordeal of trying to get my little sister out of it when my father was dying. The thing is, this woman loves her little boy . . . even if she doesn't get to talk to him, or see him. There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't regret what she lost, even though she did confide in me that she had given up hope of ever getting her son back. She did tell me she hopes one day, when the boy is old enough that he will seek her out so she can tell him all this . . . tell him how much she loved him. And how she just wasn't strong enough to take care of him the way he should have been taken care of . . . and that that is the reason she gave up and gave in, and let them terminate her rights. She doesn't by any means lead a "perfect" life, but she is clean (drug free, alcohol free), she now has a small apartment (not to far from me, which is why we keep in better touch now than we used to), a steady job, even if it is a low paying one. She doesn't have a lot of nice things, but she has some. She tries most of the time to act like nothing is wrong . . . like she's not still tormented . . . but every once in a while she confides in me the truth, and she's the kind of person you can tell that it is truth, that she really does have those feelings of torment and probably will torment herself over and over for the rest of her life.

Woman Two, I also know pretty well as another person who kinda floats along the fringes of my life, even though I'm sometimes shamed to admit it. She never shows a moment of true remorse for what happened with her little girl, she rarely asks her mother about the girl (her mother has contact with the birth father, and the grandparents who raised the girl for a while have visitation rights.) Woman Two has done nothing to 'clean up her act' by any means . . . she's promiscuous, she's still involved with drugs, and now has a second daughter who I fear will meet the same fate one day as her first. All this woman is about is going out and having a good time . . . and she doesn't care who she hurts on the way. She never talks about her first child, and shows little love to the second, even though the baby does appear well taken care of – basic needs of food and clothing taken care of by the current flavor of the month who she's currently living with . . . for the moment. There's trouble in paradise already – he suspects she's cheating.

My question is . . . how can Woman One be so tormented and Woman Two not?

The sad thing is, I'm so much like Woman One in that sense it's scary. I'm the type of person who lies in bed at night and rewinds parts of my life . . . I beat myself mentally for my mistakes and I do it constantly. I can't let things go like Woman Two can, and there are times I wish I could. I wish I could forget, I wish I could move on. I wish I could fly away . . . and start all over again. Woman One told me that there are days she feels like that as well. I think it's the reason we are still friends of a sense. We understand that in each other.

I want to wash away the ills of the past. I want to rise like the phoenix from the ashes of my mistakes . . . rise to a new life, but I know that like Woman One, I'll be forever dragged down in that quagmire of my own doubts and "what if's".

I guess you can tell I'm kinda melancholy tonight. IDK why really *Shrugs*

Anyway, a heads up, I finally uploaded a profile piccie. That's me in the blue shirt, with Gary Mauer (one of my two favorite Phantoms!) There's a funny story behind the pic, actually. You see, that was taken the last night I saw him. It started out with Megan asking if he would pose for her in the Music Of The Night pose, because her first one had not come out. So he did, then I said, "Well, it's been a while since I got a pic with you." So we did the traditional fan pic, side by side. Meg and Mo were operating the cameras. After the "normal" pic, Gary said, "Wait, one more." And the bunny ears came out! After that, I said, "Well, you know just for that I really SHOULD get a Music Of The Night Pose for myself!" I was teasing, really . . . but then before I could tell him that, he's behind me, and we're taking the shot.

But the bunny ears IS funny, and NO ONE ELSE has a bunny ears with Gary *Grins* My friend Julie, who saw Gary in Boston, does have a pic of the two of them together with her on his shoulders . . . so we both joke that we're special, because we each have a special pic. The MOTN pic is special in it's own right . . . but Meg has one too, so that makes the bunny ears even more so.

Anyway, I thought I should explain that pic before everyone began thinking it was Chris! Sorry. I don't have any pics of me and him. And surprisingly, I'm not too fashed about that.

Understanding (Wash It All Away)

EVANESCENCE (unknown Album, I've heard it's from the Sound Asleep EP but I can't track it down on Amazon)

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. that's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the answer is always there."

(Can't wash it all away)

(Can't Wish it all away)

(Can't hope it all away)

(Can't cry it all away)

The pain that grips you

The fear that binds you

Releases life in me

In our mutual shame we idolize

To blind them from the truth

That finds a way from who we are

Please don't be afraid

When the darkness fades away

The dawn will break the silence

Screaming in our hearts

My love for you still grows

This I do for you

Before I try to fight the truth my final time

"We're supposed to try and be real. And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."

Can't wash it all away

Can't wish it all away

Can't cry it all away

Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you

Listening to you breathe

The life that flows inside of you

Burns inside of me

Hold and speak to me

Of love without a sound

Tell me you will live through this

And I will die for you

Cast me not away

Say you'll be with me

For I know I cannot

Bear it all alone

"You're not alone, are you?"

"Never... Never."

Can't fight it all away

Can't hope it all away

Can't scream it all away

It just won't fade away, No

Can't wash it all away

Can't wish it all away

Can't cry it all away

Can't scratch it all away

(Can't fight it all away)

(Can't hope it all away)

Can't scream it all away

Ooh, it all away

Ooh, it all away

"But the answer is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."

"God, please don't leave me. Because I'm tired of it too. I'll die of you do."

Currently Playing The Phantom of the Opera (Original 1986 London Cast) By Andrew Lloyd Webber, Michael Reed, David Firth, John Savident, Michael Crawford, Rosemary Ashe, Sarah Brightman, Steve Barton see related

- Music Of The Night

What a difference a year makes . . .

Going through my favorites list in IE, I remembered this site and reading back, was like, wow. How much things change.

Well, I'll start with Chris. My God, it's been about three months since he's come by. Partly due I suppose to conflicting schedules, I think the last time was *thinks* Right before my last set of Phantom trips.

Ohhhh, Phantom! Florida has a Phantom blessed year this year, it played Tampa (my back yard practically) in December 2004 and Ft. Myers (two hours south) in February 2005. In that time, I went to see the show a total of 12 times, six in each stop. And it's coming back to Lauderdale in September-October. WOOOEEEE!

Although that stop will be different. Tim Gleason, my favorite Raoul/Phantom I wrote about last time, is leaving the tour to take over the role of Raoul in the Broadway company. A good thing and bad, I suppose because I know it'll be a Looooong time before I can get up to NYC again.

But those Phantom trips totally rocked my world. The first night I went in Tampa, it took me so long to get out to stage door that I did miss seeing Tim . . . but I got to see Gary Mauer and Beth Southard (a married couple who play Phantom and Christine) and got to talk with them for a good half hour or so. They are like, two of the sweetest people I've ever met. I got to see Gary as Phantom back in Orlando . . . very early in his run . . . and in Tampa, he just blew my socks off at how much he had improved in the space of a year. I mean, I'd seen things in Orlando that he'd impressed me with, but my overall reaction was "he's good but there's room for improvement before he's great." Now he's tied for my favorite with Tim (though I never told him that . . . lol!) Ft. Myers, he'd been off for 10 days so I went back to see all the understudies. When Gary came back, and I went back to see him, I told him, "I have a confession to make. I've been cheating on you, I saw your understudies." He'd known, because Beth had been on one of those nights and I'd caught her at stage door . . . but when he found out I'd seen all three, he just said in this very Phantomesque voice, "You've been cheating on . . . YOU have been UNFAITHFUL to me!" Then he smiled, I mean, I knew he was kidding, but the whole way he said it was like, "Wow, now I know what I see onstage!" *Drools* Besides, Gary gives some of the BEST hugs! If I can figure it out, I'll be nice and post some piccies *Grins*

Phantom was good for another reason. Two of the 'family' also live in Florida, and we met up for Phantom in both cities. Meg and Mo, my darling sisters . . . and it was just so amazing not only getting to meet the fabulous cast and see a fabulous show but also getting to spend time and really get to know Meg and Mo was . . . wow. That first meeting in December also opened up my eyes to a lot of things I had not known before that. They told me the truth about what was being said behind my back by you know who . . . and told me the truth I'd only suspected before. That I'd been being played for a fool. Perhaps I deserved it from her. But the moment Meg, Mo and I met, our friendship, our sister-ship, solidified. It showed me a bit more who I can really trust. Now, I'm looking forward to seeing them again in June, when I go out there because another friend of ours, Amanda, is flying in from NC.

It was stupid, in a sense that when Meg, Mo and I started making plans to meet at Phantom, I felt a horrid sense of trepidation. What if they didn't like me? We'd come close to meeting one other time, and events at the time destroyed that meeting (which sadly, was as much my fault as anyone else's.) I admitted to them being wary about the meeting afterward . . . and they admitted the same wariness to me. But sometimes things have a way of working themselves out for the best, and those meetings for Phantom more than surpassed my expectations and cemented what I truly hope will be a friendship and a solidarity that will stand the test of time. I truly feel now like they are my "sister's".

That said the RPG group. Well, in a year, things change you know? Last April, I'd been so glad to be back in. No matter that some things still felt tense, I tried and tried my best to over come it all. In August, hell broke loose but this time, I wasn't the target. The same person who targeted me before, targeted Mo, but in a different way. Totally slammed her, and Mo left in anger. I can't blame her. Eventually, the group lost several other members (Meg, Cheryl) and then finally, around Christmas (After Meg and Mo told me what our 'fearless leader mother figure' had said about me) I left, and Aunt Bon followed suit. For a long time before that I'd been debating with myself. Certain very touchy things in my personal life (which, I'm really not ready to delve that deeply into the events, needless to say they were tragic) had me very disillusioned, and the only reason I'd stayed as long as I had was because of Bon. I knew that after Cheryl left, I was the anchor holding Bonnie in, and at the time, I didn't want my leaving to be the cause of hers. So I stayed, until finally it got to the same point for both of us, and we made the decision together.

Now there is another group, one where we are all truly welcomed with open arms, regardless of our faults, where there is no more backstabbing. There are times I still see the old carefulness coming out in all of us, but for the most part, things are a lot better now. I don't talk to "HER" much any more, and I think in a way, I'm better for that.

On the job front, again, things change in a year. I'm no longer a waitress. Things just took too much of a toll there. I'd needed to take some time off (two weeks) to straighten some things out up north. So I did . . . and when I came back, my hours had been so severely cut that I went out looking for another job. Found one at a coffee shop two blocks from home. Walking distance – YAY! For the most part, the change is good. And it's not as strenuous as my old job was, although during season, there were some days I did want to crawl into a hole, that was mainly from being the only employee and having to work longer hours. Now it's summer, we have another employee (although until school lets out, he's only in on Saturdays . . . that'll change in a week or so though.) Shorter hours means shorter days for me. And though I'm still tired, it's more a matter of I haven't completely recovered than more stress being added. And overall, I do like both my new bosses. Sometimes I float between which one of them is easier to work with . . . but hey, that happens, you know? Over all they're both great people.

Back to Phantom one more time. The new movie. It came out at the same time the stage show was in Tampa . . . thankfully. I went to see the movie once, the day after it came out. I was SO disgusted, I had to go back to the stage show THREE DAYS IN A ROW to get Gerry Butler out of my head. I talked to Gary about it just a little the day after Christmas, and he asked me "Why couldn't they at least get someone who can sing?" I'm still asking the same question!

I'm at a cross roads of sorts now. I know it's strange to say that, but I know that one good push either way will change my life forever. I feel as though something is going to happen, but I can't properly predict if the change will be for the better or worse. I'm crossing my fingers for the former, but preparing for the latter. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy things one day at a time, and looking forward to the next adventure on the horizon – Jensen Beach in June!

Music Of The Night

Phantom Of The Opera

Night-time sharpens,

Heightens each sensation

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination

Silently the senses abandon their defenses...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour

Grasp it; sense it - tremulous and tender

Turn your face away from the garish light of day,

Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -

And listen to the music of the night...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!

Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!

Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar!

And you'll live as you've never lived before...

Softly, deftly, music shall surround you...

Feel it, hear it, closing in around you...

Open up your mind; let your fantasies unwind,

In this darkness which you know you cannot fight -

The darkness of the music of the night...

Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world!

Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!

Let your soul take you where you long to be!

Only then can you belong to me...

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!

Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!

Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in

To the power of the music that I write -

The power of the music of the night...

You alone can make my song take flight . . .

Help me make the music of the . . . Night!